We tell so many stories about ourselves. We tell our remembered stories, we retell the stories that have been told about us and we tell of the stories that are yet to be told. To express that more simply: ‘I used to…she said I had…I’m going to…’
None of those stories are necessarily true. Certainly our future stories are merely speculative although the coach in me says the fact that we are telling them makes them more likely to come to pass. The stories that we remember are largely what we want to remember. I frequently find myself telling anecdotes about my past that I really can’t be sure are true. They are probably partially true and partially sophisticated enhancements and renovations which paint us in whatever light we care to fall across us at a given moment of tale telling. The stories that others tell about us haunt our internal dialogue loops, strengthen our self-limiting beliefs and clip feathers from our wings.
Having told myself the story for some time that it was time to put an end to my career as a school leader, sure enough, it came to pass. Stepping out of the super hero costume (is that the right way to describe it?), one immediately becomes aware of the loss of identity. Everyone, but everyone, has a Jungian projection to shine on a school leader. There have been times when I’ve considered just sneaking out of school and leaving behind everyone’s perceptions of me to do the job as they surely predict I will do it. Now, like a monkey released from a cage, I already pine a little for the comfort of the perceived image. In place of the admiring, angry, respectful, cynical, hopeful cinematics that are shone upon school leaders, the projections I face are less impressive: ‘retired’, ‘former leader’, generally ‘old’ and alarmingly high up the queue for a Covid jab…these are not the stories that one wishes to be constructed about us and projected.
So ownership of the narrative is required. Daunting but exciting. As it turns out – full of rich learning. My first step in re-invention was to turn to what I know about ontological coaching – inspired by the work of Alan Sieler at the Newfields Institute (https://youtu.be/iE8Ek4xqSyw). Ontological coaching describes ‘ways of being’ which create our attitudes and our perceptions. These personal elements lie beneath and drive our behaviours and our actions. Sieler describes three intersecting circles – language, emotions and body. Our language is very much about the stories we tell about ourselves and the language we use to do it. So ‘retired’ is in the trash. Retirement is a state of mind not a classification. Retirement is for the retired.
What of the body? It is of a certain age, for sure. There are disagreements at times between muscles and bones but there is no inclination to accept decline, even amongst the hinges that need oil and the eyes that require additional lumens. I decided to start here. Rather than catalogue deterioration, Iast month I engaged a personal Pilates trainer and I gave her the role once self-adopted in 10th Century England by the Norse King, Cnut – to turn back the tide. She has engaged on this task with gusto – looking at a concrete stiff back and uncooperative hips as low level challenges. Under her guidance I feel taller, less achy and distinctly closer to that GQ topless cover page than ever I thought possible (I didn’t say close, merely closer…). I feel better. Better about myself, focused on going forwards rather than accepting backwards, excited about how far this road might lead.
And the learning, for me the coach whilst being me the pupil, is that this job is what I also do. When I coach, I look and listen for the blocks in energy flow, for the misalignments, for the unhelpful habits. I reflect back the limiting beliefs, the long held truths which are not truths and I help to open up new ways of being, new perspectives and new attitudes. In just one month, I can domino my spinal cord downwards from neck to mid drift and feel my fingertips brush the floor without ending up in A&E. I have stretched parts of myself that I didn’t know I owned – I have agency, hope and motivation. Coaching carries this magic as well and that is why I love to coach.
How you feel affects your mood. Your mood affects the language you use and the stories you tell – about yourself and about others. I spent much of my leadership life coaching people to look after themselves if they wanted to be really effective at looking after others. Now I am discovering that this really was most excellent advice. It’s time for a new story…
